Relapse into thoughts that you've thought before.
Look outside your room through the keyhole in the door.
Look at the world outside through the hole in your heart.
Whatever you are seeing, is wherever you start.
- 14 year old me.
Well.. You have started so many times already. In the end, since "start" is something that we are forced into by being born, does the beginning really matter?..
Yeah, I became stupid and boring.
Is depression an annoying piece of sh#t
that doesn't leave you alone for more than a few months at most before coming back? Or is it just always there? Maybe you are not depressed at all.
Then, questions, have you asked yourself a lot of them? Of course you have. Then have you realized how pointless all of these questions are? Because answers are only answers if you believe that they are true. If you believe differently... then I guess that I am wrong.
For me, thinking is the only thing that I know how to do.
Which is pretty sad since everyone from the start are thinking by default...
Aren't there so many things that you've once understood, so many times that you've understood yourself?
So why have, or why haven't, you changed?
"Is this reality? Am I really alive? Why am I alive? What am I? Is there a place for me? Where is my spark? Am I broken?"
You've already asked them. You might have already answered them. But do the answers really matter?
If you think that answers are not dependent on beliefs, then what if the truest of answers is a really shitty one?
As a little child I used to have the belief that the world was good, and that all the wrong things in the world were wrong. I was brokenhearted by everything sad and so, I grew numb.
Instead I started believing that the world was wrong, that it was dark. I started thinking that the world was bad and supposed to be different, that life was supposed to be different, and that living was something that I had to fight for to be allowed to do.
But then, I had those happy times. I started thinking that the world is as it is. The world is not supposed to be happy, nor beautiful, ugly or sad. Rather, a good and beautiful world is what we fight for. By being born, you live, and by being here you belong.
But as you might have guessed, the happy times didn't last. Since after that I "grew up". I'd grown strong. I had improved. I had thought a lot. I was no longer weak. I was not invisible. I did not hate myself. I was just a bit sick of me.
By then all the questions had been asked. All the right answers had been found. All the doubts had been cleared. I had not fallen. I was still me. Still strong. Even though it often felt like nothing mattered, I still knew what mattered. And I was... ok?
After a while you can't help but to question yourself. You know what I mean.
"Have I ever really made an effort? Where did my dreams go? Where did my hope go?
If it is good enough to try, then what do I do once I've tried? "
"Are the efforts I've made enough?
But who decides that?"
"Should I just lie down, let my mind float away?"
Yes questions that you've already answered, why do they keep reappearing?
Well that is what happens when your creativity is not enough to figure out any more questions to ask. Your curiosity has faded, and your searching has stopped. Your heart no longer lingers and can't hold onto the answers that you've found, and your dreams no longer offers any colors to the world.
Blue used to be a beautiful color, but even blue has grown very, very still.
... It is not like you really loose sight of what is beautiful. No, beauty is still there. You are still you. You have not sunk, the world is not grey, you are not drowning, you are not broken, you are not empty, and you are not still. Blue is still a beautiful color.
When you're ok again, it is as if you reset. The same way that you revert every time you're thrown back into depression. Take it in any order that you want.
Anyway, when you're sick... are your values different? Is your view of the world different? Are you different?..
The most horrible thing is knowing that others have asked these questions long before you have. Because if nobody else can find a solution, how could you?
Well you've probably also been through something similar haven't you? You have felt these feelings. Opened the doors.
And the doors haven't closed. Life is not over, the world hasn't ended.
You've learnt how to cry. And you have learnt how to embrace yourself, how to push forward.
Nothing has ended, you are still alive.
You have heard all the saddest songs, watched the bluest paintings, read the most painful poems. And similarly laughed at the silliest jokes, cried at the silliest movies, and felt that even the silliest things were oh, so important.
You've overcome it all, uncovered how to take it.
But once you've opened all of the doors... Then what?
The thing with relapse is that it happens over and over again. Like kicking your toe into corners, or falling over and realizing that you are not in a world of magic, but just the same usual you that you are, in the same world that you are.
"You are suffering from a relapse. You are just depressed again. It will end with just enough time." At least I tell myself so, over and over, over and over.
You might have had a partner that you love, gotten wonderful children that you (of course!) love, a life that you love. You've had dreams, some of them you fulfilled. The future was bright, and it was a future that you had fought for.
You had fought so hard.
But then suddenly you'd pushed yourself too hard to smile again. Had been too exhausted to stand, too many times. Had taken a rest, too many times. And had gotten up again, way too many times.
It maybe even went so far that you embraced your own misery. Because misery was the only safe place you had. No matter what, you could rely on it. No matter what, it was a characteristic that you had. Blue was a way for you to describe yourself.
You might have embraced your suffering ages ago... But then you've already embraced yourself. It no longer matters who you are, where you are. It matters not what you have and what you have lost.
You know that you only need to take a step to get somewhere. You know that you can experience happy times again. All that you need to do is to get up. But then again... Why?
Nothing matters. All that matters is the future. You've been tired before. Felt these things before. You have the ability to start again... But then why?
You have overcome the thoughts of suicide. You have grown too much to stay down, or rather, you know that even death is nothing more than an option. Nothing more than a thing that you could do. Nothing more than a choice. Nothing more than an action.
So what if you stand up? So what if you die?
You know that you are searching for a way out. By thinking these thought you know that you still care. That you still want to get up.
And you are not scared, not nervous, not distressed. Because even if you were, it would be ok. You are just as you are. You are ok with being a creep. You are ok with not being a creep.
You are ok. It is alright to be pathetic, fair to be afraid, normal to feel wrong.
Don't forget that you've come so far. Really, really far. The truth is that no road leads anywhere, as such there is no need to fret. Just do what you want to, and don't, if you don't want to do anything.
You are suffering from relapse. It is normal, it is ok. It is ok to not be ok.
You just need to close your eyes, then whether you stand again or not... It is ok.
For now, you are suffering. This is how it is. Knowing it does not remove the suffering. It does not make things easier. It just is. Don't be afraid to become happy again. Don't be afraid to never be happy again.
Value is something that comes from yourself. To be you is not wrong, to feel like you do is not wrong. If you want to, when you want to, it will eventually work out.
Just repeat it a gazillion times and too much time will have passed and you'll have died ages ago.
But you also know that the world can be wonderful, right?